i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
