just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
