I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
