her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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