found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize