I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize