The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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