Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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