i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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