Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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