My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
