Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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