Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
