I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
