I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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