i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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