I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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