I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
