After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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