I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
