im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
