he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
