Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
