So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize