mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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