sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize