dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
