just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
