He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
