Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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