sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize