we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
