you guys were way drunker than both of me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
