mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
