yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
