Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
