Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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