The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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