I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
BRING THE BAGELS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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