there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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