Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
