he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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