You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
