the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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