Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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