She just used a chaser for red wine.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
