i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
