Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
