Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
