yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
