Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
