and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
