Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
ugly people sure do ruin things
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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