when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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