why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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