I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just googled if crying burns calories
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
