In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
