he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
