Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
