Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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