I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
