Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
