so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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