woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
