I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
