I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
