I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
