bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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