if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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