Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
