He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
