Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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