Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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