WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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